Papyrus Comic Sans Coin
Papyrus Comic Sans Coin
They said it couldn’t be done, that it shouldn’t be done – using both Papyrus AND Comic Sans at the same time is the fevered dream of a mad man! This mysterious solid metal object resembles a large coin, weighs 28g (1 oz), measures 39mm (1.5 inches) in diameter, and is 3mm thick.
As an archetype of decision-making technology, this coin always results in a 50/50 probability outcome when tossed. However, as both sides are considered ‘undesirable,’ presenting two equally terrible options will illicit ██████ results ██% of the time.
To further the academic research into the observed phenomena, this object must now be passed to a new host, outside of any controlled test environments. Ideally one who is regularly presented with difficult choices every day – individuals such as █████, ███████, and graphic designers.
This coin makes an excellent every-day-carry item, graphic design gift, worry coin, decision-making device, █████, or projectile.
Features
Contains 1 oz. of 99.9% pure metal
Two terrible fonts in one convenient place
Full of historical significance and potential value
A precious family heirloom that can be passed down for centuries
Certificate of authenticity
One easy payment + shipping & handling
Classified by the Foundation as a safe object of power
Gluten free, keto and paleo friendly
The Papyrus Comic Sans Coin comes in a clear protective sleeve, packed in a vintage envelope containing a certificate of authenticity and the scrawled notes of a mad man, bound with string and sealed with wax. The entire package arrives in a nondescript black bubble mailer. Pretty mysterious, no?
International Orders
We can ship outside of the US, but contact us ahead of time with your address so we can find the best shipping rates and let you know before ordering. It’s usually around $15 USD for Canada and $20 USD elsewhere, but can be as high as $60, depending on shipping options.
Analysis
This coin was recovered in May of ████ from a desk drawer labeled “Special Containment“ in the archives annex at ████ ████ University. Found among piles of amateur-looking flyers from various schools, daycares, churches, ████████, and spas – all dated after 1984, this unusual object features two of the worst fonts ever created: Papyrus and Comic Sans.
Possible Origins
Despite being man-made, little is known about this artifact save for a few hastily scrawled notes. All the usual coin minting facilities have no knowledge of its creation – the U.S. Mint, Denver Mint, Philadelphia Mint, Fort Knox Bullion Depository, ██████, ██████, … even the Franklin Mint. The existence of these two fonts in one place, separated by less than 3mm of metal, is frightening, and perhaps the facility used to create this object of power was █████████ [conjecture].
Experimental Observations
As an archetype of decision-making technology, this coin always results in a 50/50 probability outcome when tossed [yes/no, ███/██, crumple/fold]. However, as both sides are considered ‘undesirable,’ presenting two equally terrible options will illicit ██████ results ██% of the time. Repeated experiments reduce the standard deviation and approach an exact 50% of probability. Does measuring the outcome influence the results? [See also Schrödinger’s Cat paradox of quantum superposition].
Important note: the coin apparently does not influence the outcome itself, but rather, it influences the wielder’s ability to choose between two pre-determined outcomes. These choices do not need to be font-related [Papyrus & Comic Sans], as the coin is observed to be influential in all situations requiring an either/or decision.
Continued Testing
To further the academic research into the observed phenomena, this object must now be passed to a new host, outside of any controlled test environments. Ideally one who is regularly presented with difficult choices every day – individuals such as █████, ███████, and graphic designers.
Theories and Questions
By containing the essence of both Papyrus and Comic Sans, was this object created to be a graphic designer’s protective ward against terrible font decisions? Or does this token influence its host to wield such fonts in terrible ways? What is the object’s affinity to non-font-based decisions? Is this object inherently powerful, or is it given power from the belief of the wielder? Is it lucky/unlucky? Can two wrongs make a right?
Papyrus
1982
Designated the ‘Papyrus‘ face, this side of the object displays relief imagery of Eastern lands at night, pyramids, papyrus plants, a scarab, the letter Y and the word TAILS (written in the font Papyrus). It appears to be tribal, yet modern.
Sources indicate the typeface Papyrus was created by designer Chris Costello in 1982, likely as a solution looking for the problem of off-brand tea labels, spas, hookah shops, and paving the way for Shakira and Edible Arrangements a decade later. The font has distinct characteristics including rough edges, irregular curves, high horizontal strokes, and calls too much attention to itself.
Comic Sans
1994
Designated the ‘Comic Sans’ face, this side of the object displays relief imagery of two Greek tragedy masks, the letter N and the word HEADS (both written in the font Comic Sans), and various theater elements resembling lights and curtains.
Records place the genesis of Comic Sans to Vincent Connare in 1994 as an offering to Microsoft. It has a friendly, casual appearance, reminiscent of comic book lettering. Though once released, it metastasized into an unstoppable force of juvenile typography – occasionally insulting – and always inappropriate. It’s unclear if this result was indeed its true purpose; a Trojan horse of a typographic destruction.
